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Thursday, November 27th, 2003
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Thursday, September 11th, 2003
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It's like a state of constant nervousness. When the air around you seems to be twenty degrees cooler than your skin. And your skins feels like the sun. Your chest is about to burst from whatever is inside of it that's pumping so hard. oh yeah, that's your heart spewing gallons of blood through your internal interstate highway, and you can feel it traveling throughout your veins espcially on they way to your arms. i can point to you where there's something going on, it's straight done my front from my clavicord to my navel, but i can't tell you what IT is. All I can tell is that it's halfway between fainting and the adreniline induced panic that proceeds any form of public speeking. and it's constant.
Among other things, I've realized how self focused I am right now. If anyone reading this has a problem, or needs an ear, or knows someone that needs an ear (or knows someone that knows someone...) let me know! I need something to happen to wake me from this egocentric dream.
Also on my list of things to do, go out more. Go out for fun. No to discuss drama club or english class or anything that equates to business. In some friendships, it appears that's all we talk about. I miss their personality! I just can't talk about anything else anymore but I can't think about anything other than my own workload. But I should change that. Yes, excellent plan. Must start first thing next week.
We were reading an article by Leo Somebody in religion class. It was all about love and seizing the day. Afterwords I was instilled with the enthusiasm necessary to becoming a better person and loving the whole world. That wore off shortly after we put our papers away. Oh how easily I can be temporarily rallied into battle! I need something permanet though, some real, actual, definitive change. Right, first thing next week, after I go out and enjoy myself with other people so I'm less selfish. Ok.
Funny how those three things seem to overlap though, isn't it? Maybe it's not a coinsidence.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, August 9th, 2003
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I was looking at some pictures this evening, and it took me a good 15 seconds to realize that they were pictures of my house. I’ve been leaving there for the better part of 11 years and though partially unobservant, not an idiot (beg to differ if you must). There was a picture of just about every room in the house, I think there only things missing were three bedrooms of five and two of three bathrooms.
But it wasn’t the same. The color quality of the photograph and those I’d seen with my own eyes were quite different. Now, Kodak wasn’t off and I’m not color blind, they were just a different shade or sharpness or hue. And, it felt like there some something significant in that. Nothing I could easily place or put into words, but definitely a thinker (this stirred with in me that feeling that I often get in places where the intellect of those around me far surpasses my comprehension – which happens far too often, but that’s another story for another day, maybe tomorrow).
It actually kinda reminded me of art is just imitation of life and however high quality, sharpest image it maybe it’s still not real. Wilde said something like art is created for the sake of beauty alone and nothing more than that, otherwise it is ruined, that it should have no practical purpose. Art will never be life. And I would have to disagree with the proposition that life ever imitates art (we have a discussion about that at camp once and it’s an interesting thought, but life comes first to me and I digress).
There was a point. But, don’t laugh, I haven’t reached it yet. I think I know what it means for me, and it’s perhaps a part of growing up and leaving behind childish notions, but I wonder if there’s more to it than that.
Or perhaps I’m trying much too hard at 2:17 am to think about life, love, and any pursuit of happiness. That, my friends, is a task for tomorrow.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, July 10th, 2003
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it feels as though i have two distinct thoughts recently. one being that my life has value. there is a purpose for my excistence and it is important. not like i'm going to save the world important, but you know, not nothing. however, the second thought is that i'm not doing anything with my life. i have limitless oppertunities and i lie around on my couch and watch old movies or home improvement anf friends reruns.
i didn't realize until i started working how wasteful i have grown to be. christy, you're not alone, i have gone my entire life (hehe not that great a span i suppose) without really understanding what finicial necessities went into my luxuries. i also find it so surpising how quickly i spend money. i hate money. if only it weren't so imperative to possess. so many difficult choices go with it. What job to get what college to go to what life long career path to take.
sometimes when i've got a headache i find myself sitting on the toliet wishing that someone could plan my life for me, that i wouldn't have to make all these decisions myself. but i prolly wouldn't like what they chose.
some where along the line, i lost the thread of this internal conversation.
it's strange to find such comfort in silence. simple repetitive tasks have a bizarre way of making me feel content. not happy or really a peace. just... geeez just sedated.
20,20,20 four hours to go...
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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| Subject: | here goes |
| Time: | 11:49 pm. |
| Mood: |  contemplative. | | Music: | "I want you to want me!" just found my sndtrck to 10 things!. |
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I was in a really good mood tonight as my dad drove me home from rehearsal. despite the fact I would have rather taken the metro which provides me with a chance to socialize with fellow cast mates from music man and to read after they get off. but the motion of the car and the window rushing past my open window and running through my outstretched hand seemed to wipe all reminders of reality from my mind.
in fact the only thing I really thought about was writing this entry and what i would say. i have a confession to make I wrote and rewrote this entry maybe 10 times in sporadic thoughts I’ve had over the past month or so. I seem to enjoy narrating my life as it happens. so this maybe not be as eloquent as when originally composed in my head.
prepare yourself for melodrama, because, that's all I am. Honestly my mind should be a soap opera, but not because it' actually interesting, oh no, because it's overdramatic, poorly acted, and uses an awful script.
Recently, it seems as though I’m in a good mood all the time, nothing fazing me at all. But then when something good happens, I’m not in a better mood, just the same one. It’s like I’m apathetic, I’ve transcended the emotional level. Take for example Thursday. Thursday I was returning to Arlington from rehearsal and the day had gone pretty poorly. The weekend had been nice, but I didn’t quite accomplish anything I had intended too. Rehearsal the past few days had been abysmal, and on my very first day at work I deleted and whole file that I needed to do a LOT of work with and my supervisor hadn’t a clue as to how to bring it back. On top of that, it felt like something was missing once I finished the Harry Potter book Monday night.
But some reason, whether it was the chilly (back when!) night air rifling through my fingers as we drove down the GW parkway, or the beautiful view of the Washington Monument in the spot lights, my thoughts sort of melted away. The only thing I remember was dictating to myself how I would write an entry about what I was feeling. The lack of emotion swept over everything and I just let my hand ride the air wave back to the house, up and down, outstretched just inches from the car window.
Wow. This seems to a little over the top huh? Bizarre that I can still dwell on five minutes of a car ride. i remember being concerned with how insensitive of me it was to think about files and dancing and musicals when somewhere in Africa AIDS took another life and genocides were taking place and all over the world little children starved to death. I felt guilty for posessing this wealth. But i guess the burden of the rich is that they must live with their money. hmm did someone say that before? it sounds like some other quote.
Continuation of how WONDERFUL people are: after lunch I take over for the receptionist so she can go to lunch. I say “NTL, Kerry speaking” and I love those people that respond with “Hi Kerry, can I have extension ###.” They didn’t have to take the time to acknowledge me, but they did. Some people even ask me how I am. It’s even more fun when someone calls back because they want to speak to someone else. They usually say “Hello again Kerry, it’s So and So trying for this ## this time” It’s adorable!
Yay for highs that take you out of the lows!
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, February 24th, 2003
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where ever God closes a door, some where he opens a window.
ah sound of music, it is such a great movie. i've never seen the stage version, and having grown up with julie andrews and her two tape set, i don't think i want to. but i digress
about this business, what if when you go to the open window only to find that yourself looking at a brick wall? so you're stuck in the house with no where to run to and only memories to keep you company, but there was a beautiful quote in the "tell me about it" column. that quote was prolly the only thing to get me through my sunday in fact.
"After the 20th viewing of a really sad movie, how many people still cry? Memories work the same way."
ok, so perhaps, in retrospect, beautiful wasn't the right word, maybe inspiring is better. it's a nice thought.
this time alone should do me good, thinking about it, honestly, i havent been alone in almost 2 years. i find that sick and almost mean to a certain point. i don't know what i seem to think that being alone will help, when isolation is just so scary.
and everything will be ok again, i know it will, i just wish i were now.
with some many conflicting thoughts running through my head all day -- confusion, doubt, uncertainty, fear, grief and some things that i just can't convert to words -- it was marvelous that i couldn't stop giggling at rehearsal today! oh what a piece of work is a man! people can be such great medicine sometimes, and the best part is they don't even know the good they do.
oh, and not to offend anyone, but the earlier "ode to people" type entry that i wrote, was actually to remind myself how great they were, cuz after a stage crew session i was rather annoyed with some individuals inconsideration. but the problem was so miniscule, it doesn't matter and it shouldnt have, but i was pretty mad.
cows get mad, people get angry.
language is my bestest friend...
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, February 22nd, 2003
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ta da! i'm updating, wahoo.
geeez people are sooooo needy, update update update, that's all i ever hear. nice to see you too, have you had a good week? what's your sign? NOTHING just update, would you rather read what i write or talk to me, hmmmmmm? you know who you are.... (and for everyone else, his name starts with a "j" and ends with a "ames") but for right now, i figure i'll play his little game...for now
let's see, how can i give an interesting, indepth looked into the life of kerry? oh! i can start out by saying that i really want to see that movie, the life of david grale. and guess what! soon, i will be able to!! yay! ugh, i hate age, it seems so unimportant, it's just a number, it tells little about you.
except any of the teens. i came to an interesting conclusion this week. being a teenager has the highest highs and the lowest lows, and that if i can make it through this, i'll be able to live the rest of my life ok. so here i go,(twiddles thumbs) living.
conclusion #2 that being confused about what you are confused about sucks. take for example all fourth quater of freshman year math. whoa. trig was slightly difficult for me to concieve period, let alone not having geomtry first. wow. but i could still do it, i did it well, but hadn't a single clue WHAT i was doing (somebody tell me how to do italics and bold PLEASE!!!) and what's worse, at that point, i didn't even know what questions to ask! other than the basic "huh?" and "what the heck was that?"
conclusion #3 people feel really awkward (how do you spell that?!) when you say the word "hormones". maybe i just sound like a mother, but i use that term all the time, it helps me explain why i get crazy mood swings and sad for no reason. but the couple of people i've said it to give me a funny look and laughed nervously.
conclusion #4 i can't read people. it's not even like it's just one person, a couple of people have alluded my grasp. you might say i'm people illiterate (bada bing!). once for this class i was taking we had to read an essay about "performative utterances" or something like that was the title. all the essay was about (though, come to think about it, that was interesting) were words that were actions, for example "i promise". you promise by saying that you do, the spoken word is the action. i read the whole thing twice and felt like there was a deeper meaning that was beyond me. my greatest revalation was there was no deeper meaning. the essay should be taken as written, with other purpose than to make the reader more aware of the language around him and to state how intriguing a phenomenom the performative utterance is. maybe i do that with people. or perhaps i think people are too complex to be taken for face value, there must be something more. i must assume that, like me, they are always hinting at the truth, but can't say it for some reason and yearn for the other person to pick up on it.
conclusion #5 despite having not gone to school since 12:09pm on friday feb. 14, this has been one of the most stressful and confusing weeks of my year. it's amazing, sitting at home is harder than it seems.
conclusion #6 that many people fear the same thing, and if they shared those fears maybe some could be dispelled. i wish people would not feel guilty about burdening others with their problems. it is very interesting, i feel my guilty conscience is very very hard on me (i still worry about the chip i ate at the Desert Moon because there was a sign that said "for paying customers only" and i didn't buy anything) yet that is one thing i rarely feel guilty for. on the contrary, i often won't share my problems with someone because i'm jealous. jealous that everyone tells them their issues and concerns and in some form of boycott of this great person, it's more effective if i don't share or something nonsensical like that.
i find it to be udderly (is that right? i don't mean the cow thingy) fulfilling to exchange or be told the complaints of another person, it says to me a number of things like
1. they trust me to not gossip about them
2. they value my opinion
3. they find me to be a good and/or sympathetic listner
4. our friendship is important and worthy of such an exchange
5. they truely feeling i can help or at least make some difference to them and can provide useful advice or ideas
etc, etc, etc
oh! come see KING AND I at ireton, last weekend of March, first of April, it's gonna be great! i know it! and i get to call the show, i'm so scared! and i get my own scene to direct! wahoo! brag brag brag! hehe, but some extremely talented people are in it and designing tech and putting it together and wow, i can feel this one can be simply amazing, assuming my klutziness and trigger happy attitude doesn't do something awful, but should worst come to worst, come see me screw up! hehe but it's great.
and there my friends is kerry in brief (hehe, don't even get me talking for real, i'm far more long winded than you can guess from this entry).
i'm always worried that what i interpret a song to be, is really wrong and it's actually about drugs. also, it's almost worse to me to find a song i feel i can relate to, because then i feel i should act like the song or not act like the song or feel really uncomfortable about it all. yeah.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, January 3rd, 2003
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| Time: | 11:37 pm. |
| Mood: |  artistic. |
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i have the gov. school audition tomorrow. (i don't mean to sound cool or anything by abberviating the word, i just can't spell it, isn't that sad? well more precisely, i'm none to confident about it and as i may be using the word six or seven times, i'll look quite the fool spelling it wrong each time.)
i'm terriblely nervous. and i shouldn't get "you'll do fine, don't worry" because the reason i'm so nervous is i really haven't given this audition the serious attention it needs and deserves. the lines are memorized and motions are down, but that's about it. all serious character development and background information will be put together on the car ride to richmond tomorrow afternoon.
slacking off makes me feel so bad when the event draws near, because i know i haven't done the nessary work and if i fail the fault lies with me and cannot be cast off to anyone else.
ugh!!! computers hate me, i've now damaged the "c" button. if anyone recalls way back when, the old keyboard freaked out on me too, but i manage to salvage the endangered key, and everything cool and crazy and other assorted adjectives that start with "C"
like cookie.
oh, and a note to certain people who read far too deeply into my livejournal account, and jorelle (hi! sorry i didn't respond to your post ever, but i'm adding you to my friends list if that's ok!!) that whatever i post here is prolly an over dramitization of the actual occurences. this is kinda my artisitc forum almost. with my life as inspiration. yeah, that sounds about right. i kinda works out to my experience and emtions feed into the post, but kinda like the last one, the writer that i want to be takes over. was it a good entry?
mery christmas! happy new year! happy epiphany!
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, December 8th, 2002
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have you ever hated yourself so bad you never wanted to be cheered up? you just know that you are the ameba on a flea nibbling on a rat in the deepest, darkest gutter in a hell hole of a town that only the most horrible people frequent and you never ever want to change that thought cuz it's right, and nothing else really matter. self absortion suckes up your entire mind, forcing selfhatred into ever crevices, brainwashing your very soul making focus impossible and your head starts to itch so much. the next thing you know you're drowning in your own self pity falling from those two organs you see (rather poorly) through. then your neck starts to itch to, and the itch spreads down your back, rapping it's self around your arms, grabbing at your stomac, manically tickling your legs all the way down to your toes. and you find yourself sitting there, thinking you're an even BIGGER idoit, cuz you're scratching all over, you look such the fool. on into the wee hours of the night, wondering what the hell are you doing anyway?
time to write my cappies review.
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, December 3rd, 2002
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Which RENT character are you?
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You're ANGEL DUMOTT SCHUNARD, cross-dressing money-giving lover of life. You may have the Acquired Immuno-Deficiency Syndrome, but this slight setback seems to make you just want to enjoy the life you've got even more. You love to give, you love to help others, you love charity, but most of all you love Love. The only reason your friends know about the greatest thing in life is through your example. Keep it up, after all, no day but today.
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Quiz created by Moo & Manda. Coded by Jeff.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, November 9th, 2002
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| Time: | 11:21 pm. |
| Mood: |  tired. | | Music: | aida, i know doesn't relate. but still. |
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i am tired. tired of everything. i must make this very clear since people are so ambigious when they only state that they are tired and neglect to say of what they are tired. Tired of no rest, tired of people, tired of my constant depayesment (its french and i dont know if i can use it like that, but i just did, so it is now possible) and tired of the extreme sense of self-centerdness i seem to have picked up very heavily. But more than anything, i am tired of being tired. but enuff about me, what do you think about me?
seriously though. i can't find another venue to get honest opnions, does my entry bore you? i guess like topher, and mick before him, i wondered what people thought of my particular writing style. unless you have comments about my behavior, which are sometimes easier to make anyonmously. this is purely a curiousity thing, a survey if you will, i'm not "fishing for compliments" or anything, but i was hoping to grow forward as a writer, because it is something i do enjoy and strive (albeit not as hard as i should) to improve.
there was something else i wanted to say, but it escapes me now. ah well, when in doubt, shameless plug!
DIARY OF ANNE FRANK, 15,16,22,23 AT 8 PM AND SUNDAY NOV 17 AT 2 PM, BE THERE...PLEASE!
oh! i remember now. people
this is not theh same as tiring of people, but rather a philathropanic (i made up another word!) view point. people are great. and ireton, for all it's short comings, is full of people. good and wonderful people. people you can have idle conversations with on the way to second period. people who once you sit next to them once, lead daily dialouages about life, college, and funny monkey jokes. people are the best to talk to. people are the most friendly group i know. people may at first seen scary and forbidden to the likes of me but by opening one ear i gain the experince of a totally interesting human being with much to tell. people are so trusting and trustworthy. people make me laugh, and cry, and feel every facet of the God-given color wheel of emotion which i would give up for nothing, short of eternal salvation. i love people.
contrary to popular belief, well my speculation on the subject, that wasn't inspired by the anne frank quote, but rather be the simple kindess this world's population has bestowed upon me. thank you all for everything you've done. thank you for being, and tell everyone the same thing, if not for you, for me.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, October 15th, 2002
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| Time: | 6:33 pm. |
| Mood: | uncomfortable. | | Music: | "i wanna sceam at the top of my lungs" just that line. |
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event. hmmmm, there really hasn't been what at all come to think of it, however i got this angry email from some one (angry glare and fist shake at the culprit) to tell me to update, so four weeks later, here i am.
that depressing, lonely wintery wind has blown through the d.c. metropolitan area. it's not that it's really all the cold, just that is brought listlessness and indolence along with the chill weather and feelings of indifference and apathy have permeated the landscape.
we took psats today, can you tell?
i wanted to complain about how i couldn't focus on work, like the pile of history begging to be done, and then i would blame it on my high sugar in take, which results from my over eating and i would blame that on my lack of focus - what a horrible cycle. but than i talked to some people, well, katie, and got the general idea from people in my house and from those i saw today, and realized it really wasn't just me, so why say that it was? i went out to lunch today, with a friend of mine, she's extremely sweet and i do love hanging out with her. i also like how she is fair. so we were talking about some people (how horrible, i know, but it wasn't really gossip -- ready for this justification?-- it was more along the lines of sharing opinions or some suchness. and well, it seems like i just don't like anyone anymore. i truly do, down inside, i don't hate anyone, most certainly not especially since i'm posting this for the general public, but it feels very much like i'm the critic of the world full of flaws. i try very hard to look at myself, to protect against hypocrisy, but i just shudder and move on to some other topic.
i've been reading cather in the rye (look at me showing off that i read! when there are tons of people that read far far more than i do and say nothing, like tyler, lauren, jo, everyone) and it's got me down, and thinking about myself (more than usual) and how annoyed someone would get just by talking to me, or even looking at me. and how someone could be having the same feelings of restlessness as holden and there's nothing i could to about it, nothing i'd know to do about it, what's more is that here i am complaining about how cold it is outside, when that kid behind me in csc, or the girl on my left in pre-calc could be in that position and i don't even look.
i left the milk out this morning. i forgot to put it back in the fridge. silly me. i got back around 11:15 or so and saw it on the counter. unsure of whether to dump it out or leave it, i opted with replacing the jug in the refridgerater, some one could have gotten sick. can i cry over spoiled milk?
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Comments: Read 11 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, September 11th, 2002
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Sunday, August 25th, 2002
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| Time: | 2:58 pm. |
| Mood: | contemplative. | | Music: | nero wolf's on tv now. |
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"Some authors, indeed, do far more than this, and indulge themselves in such confisential depths of revalation as could fittingly be addressed, only and exclusievly to one heart and mind of perfect sympathy; as if he printed book, thrown at large on the wide world, were certain to find out the divided segment of the writers own nature, and complete his own circle of existence by bringing him into communion with it."
*sigh* this book would be a lot better if it were written in engligh
nathaniel hawthrone knows his stuff, but needs to pratice self-restraint, like only using ten words per sentence.
also, my mood was gonna be "reading" but then i thought people would be more likely to read rather than see that i updated if i added a picture, gives you something to look at when i get dull, and the bears are soooo cute!
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Saturday, August 10th, 2002
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orignally i had concocted some verbose essay describing many negative attributes to my personailty.
however in it's place (since for some reason it is impertive that once i start a new entry it must be posted or goodness knows what disasters might befall us all) i wanted to follow up on my promise of the "things that rock" list of so long ago.
things that rocks:
friends you can trust
swedish fish
getting cast in a show
theatre (in general)
sets
lights
sounds
comedys
dramas
musicals
acting
teching
making new friends out of scary people
finding out people don't hate you
being let in on a secret, esp. when you've felt left out for a long time
when people you never really thought of as a friend (more of like a really nice aquaintaince) lean out of the window of their car and yell your name just to say hi at a red light
green lights, for me, not the other people
the song (and movie) that thing you do
empire records (not the soundtrack, in comparision to the songs played in the movie)
good music (i started listening to the blues travellers and they're great! hehehe like tony the tiger)
cereal
sporatic phone calls, where the subkect matter is no more urgent that knowing the time of day
warm greetings
hot chocolate (esp. on cold days)
snow, real snow, 2 feet deep at least!
snow days, despite the fact you go to school on another day
getting to know people
finding out things about people that they say no one but you knows
learning (i admit i don't like work or deadlines, but the learning itself is cool)
seeing a good movie in the theatre (esp. with friends and for free!)
watching a good movie, like moulin rouge, over and over again, with a geat friend, esp. when you only watch a certian three minutes repeatedly til 4 am when you hafta get up at 7
spending the night with a friend and talking into the wee hours of the night
having over $200 freebe money on a gap card
70 degree weather in august
wasting time (while your wasting it, not the realization of how much work you hafta do afterwords)
feelings of accomplishment (be they few and far between)
feeling loved
feeling anything at all, to be able to expreience such diverse emotions
seeing a grandmother you love
the prospect of seeing a cousin's new born baby, and her one year old
finding out you have classes with people you know
strawberry milkshakes
following through on promises
mupets -- all of them
having a converastion and not recalling saying anything stupid
winning a round of putt putt (even if you did cheat)
overt cheating with friends in a non serious competition
losing a competition when the other person is serious and your not
desert, enuff said
driving friends -- anywhere
getting artwork from a talented friend
fireworks
rollar costers, eap. the hurler, esp. when they showed the video from wayne's world
sitting around and doing nothing when you're NOT procrasitnating
comfy couches
big, fluffy, soft pillows
cottan candy
dippin' dot ice cream, mmmmmmm
circuses!!!!!!!!!!
making people laugh (cuz you wanted them to laugh)
compliments that are sincere
smiling for no reason at all
realizing that you're thing's that rock list is longer than the things that suck list.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, July 31st, 2002
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ugh, i have a problem saying no. not THAT way, i can do that, it's just in general. like not ten minutes ago, i was at the grocery store and walking past a cashier to get something else and he was like, i can help you here, pointing to his station which he was just opening. although i didn't need to get the other thing, i really wanted it. but since he offered i couldn't refuse, and followed him to ring up my stuff. i doubt it would have hurt his feelings all that much for me to say, "thank you, but i'm not finished" but i couldn't even walk past like i hadn't heard. *sigh*
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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this is kind of silly for me to say, but it's spelled Reid, not Reed, if anyone was wondering.
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Comments: Read 9 or Add Your Own.
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umm, yeah disregard my last post i guess, it was sort of a specific time and not in any way representative of how i am for the majority of the time.
i went to a thrift shop today and boat clothes other people used to own. maybe once they belonged to somebody famous. one shirt cost 4 cents, am i a smart shopper or what!
fireworks, i went to ft. belvoir like evreyone and their mother, but the only people i saw were those i came with, depsite the fact everyone was there.
kerry's bit of over analyzing for the day.
i dislike im-ing people, cuz i never know if they wanna talk to me, cuz i know that there are people i leave on my buddy list that i don't really intend to talk to very often, not anyone that reads this, but people i may have meant by random and will prolly never see again. and it's not that i have no desire to talk to them, i just don't want them to go "oh great, i have nothing to say the HER, why did she bother." or something along those lines. it's gotten so bad that i try to mentally keep track of people i im so that i ensure that the task of starting the conversation is equally split. like if i was the one to initiate the im sequence one day, the next i won't im them, cut i did last time. i'd hate to be the one alawys startin conversations cuz it makes me feel like i'm the only one of us two that wants to talk to the other.
on the other hand, there are times when i'm talking to two or three people, or even just one and i don't pay attention to who's online, so i don't im them and i thought well maybe that's what the other person is doing, they just can't see i'm online and maybe they would like to talk to me. but i can't tell. it's nice when people im me, i like it a lot, just so you know, hehehe. but if i don't im you it's cuz i thought i did last time and don't want to get annoying or cuz i'm not looking at my list.
oh, nothing in this entry was actaully directed at anyone in particular (except maybe the fireworks part, cuz i beleive mary alice and kim went to the same place i did). but the aim thing is something that happens all the time, but i do have a horrible trail of overanalyzed situations.
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Saturday, June 29th, 2002
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"the lord doesn't throw you any burdens that He hasn't already given you the strength to bear"
well, aside from my vanity and egotism and self pity (which i've been wallowing increasing more everyday for the past three weeks at least and reached a peak [hopefully it doens't get worse] yesterday and tends to have me blow my problems waaaay out of proportion) i can also apparently bear a hell of a lot.
but not any more than the average teen-age pic-a-nic basket call bear, eh boo boo? the only thing is, all my problems in the basket are the same, everything is potato salad, which is kinda good, cuz it means i only have one area to work with, but it's a HUGE area.
why can't anyone ever tell me anything?!? that's part of all the problems, i don't know a single thing, or i guess that's not accurate, people tell me the end result. which is supposedly the only part in which i am involved. it's like everyone i ask tells me the anwser is 100, but not how they got their, so i understand even less than before!
i don't want to be confused anymore, i don't want to wallow in selfpity and i don't want to cry.
i want to go home. but i don't know where it is.
"home is where the heart is"
well my hearts been broken and so has my home.
what now?
but i can bear it all right? ok. it's kinda funny, everytime something bad happens the number 343 pops up. so i guess it's either an unlucky number, or it is a sign somebody loves me up there. well, i don't believe in luck and even though loves is at the core of every single problem i have, because somehow i find a way to screw myself over love, above all things, i belive in it and its power.
stupid moulin rouge.
i want to be pennyless bohemian who writes beautiful love poetry.
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Saturday, June 22nd, 2002
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| Time: | 10:06 am. |
| Mood: |  optimistic. | | Music: | piano man -- billy joel. |
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wow,it's amazing what you miss when without the internet for seven days. but i did (ask my mom to) rearrange some wires and -- bada bing! kerry is back on line! well, there is nothing really of much note to say about my trip to mass. other than it was alright (saw the dr, seuss memorial and the barnum museum, hehehe).
i noticed that unless i was at rehersal i was hanging out with the same couple of people, i do love their company very much, but it's almost like making up for lost time kinda thing, but the time hasn't been lost. does that make sense? well the time hasn't been lost YET (errr i wish i new how to make italics), but all the same i don't want to center my whole social life of someone that's moving at the end of the summer, but still want to get the most out of the remaining moments. yeah, i think that's what i'm trying to say.
anyhoo, allow me to stop talking in swahili and attempt english. went to "rehersal" last night, but it was really a banquet for the pastor of st. b's retirerment. it was lovely and i'm glad i could participate, despite my lacking any knowledge of the man and what he has done for the parish. and the best part was, i had a good time! esp. when i was expecting to! there was a lot more laughing and loads more smiling then i've done in a large group, actually in general, in a long long time. and it's not cuz i've been depressed or anything either, it was just a plain good time.
however, out of the three hours i was there and conversed with people, i only vividly remember about two things i said. and upon further contemplation, i realize they were stupid, and not only that but that i've said them before. why on earth if i made a mistake once would i do it again? ummm i can't think of a clever anaolgy other than the lab rat one, which i believe gaia utilized not to long ago, so i'll leave it at that, but then again, why ramble on about something after giving the point and why ramble on about rambling....
anyone want to see spider man tonight?
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lilangl711's journal
lethargic.
complacent.